Total Drama Rap Battle
by 39110
Summary: Total Drama characters challenge each other to a rap battle! You decide who wins and who's next!
1. Chris vs Don

Hello! I'm a huge Total Drama fan and have been reading fanfics on this site for many years. While I don't have much of an affinity for writing, I cranked this out one night. This was heavily inspired by the many other TD rap battle fics, particularly the one by The Cheesebub.

Contains swearing and sexual themes

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Chris vs Don

 **Chris**

Don. What kind of a name is that?

Embarrassed you share a name with the man of the MAGA hat?

Or the aura reading witch girl stuffed in a trash bag?

You've got prominent eye bags from old age not jet lag.

Yet you lag behind in ratings when compared to me.

No one wants to look at your skimpy thong bikini!

I have a fan club and a gold lined hot tub.

But I see you've got neither of these things, bub.

What kind of man has to assert that he's wearing manly size thirteen brogues?

It appears to me someone is insecure about their toes.

 **Don**

FYI both my dick and my shoes are size thirteen.

However you're a whiny, crybaby bitch, McLean!

Who doesn't give a shit about the campers' well-being.

You care more about your cottage and hair than anything.

Surprising, because you're not-so secretly bald.

I was smiling too when the bear had you mauled.

You want me to give you a ten minute penalty?

Oh wait, you did a whole year's time for a felony!

You fucked a freaking mutant plant for God's sake!

Guess that's the only kind of action you'll take.

Cause Total Drama Action flopped and Pahkitew Island was fake.

Now I kindly suggest you jump into a shark infested lake.

 **Chris**

Alright Don. I bet you think your rhymes are super clever.

"Don's a better character than Chris," said no one ever.

You've got no personality; you're boring and bland.

Could you have bought originality? At least I came up with my own challenge plans!

The race was a three ring traveling rip-off of World Tour.

Going to places I had already been to before.

No fans wanted a season with you.

They were hoping for me, not you dude!

My cameo was the highlight of your final episode.

Meanwhile, you're a miserable lowlife with a tiny chode.

Thirteen milimeters is what you probably mean.

Or maybe in diameter, maybe that's thirteen.

Even Blaineley did a better job than you as host.

It's true, and I don't mean to boast,

But you wouldn't have gotten a show if it weren't for me.

Your ridiculous race was merely a spin-off, you see.

 **Don**

Sure it was a spin-off, but your off-key singing I deplore.

Your whole Total Drama franchise went downhill at season four!

Your show was a constant hazard, psychos and mutants galore.

Yet the real problem was the gaudy costumes you and Chef wore!

It's a miracle you still had the money for more seasons.

With lawsuits coming in left and right for so many reasons.

Clearly you get that money from cheating your winners.

And then you use it to buy lobster for your dinners.

You make up inconsistent rules depending on your mood.

And hit on all the underage contestants that have boobs.

There were dozens of dead interns while total drama was on tv.

But at least we dedicated an episode to our guy's family!

So obviously my show is better to be cast in.

But if you believe I'm biased and you want the facts then

Ask your first winner, assistant, and aftermath host

Which of our two shows they liked the most!

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Who do you think won? I might continue this if I get good feedback and suggestions, but bye for now!


	2. Justin vs Noah

Well Don won by a landslide! And yeah I saw that coming because it was too easy to insult Chris haha

Contains swearing and sexual themes, though not as bad as the last one

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Justin vs Noah (requested by ThorBringsTheThunder)

 **Justin**

What happened to "The Schemer," your original label?

Fresh dropped it because you were never able

To think up any clever schemes with that so-called massive brain.

You relied on everyone else on your team to play the game.

Every time you competed you were voted off first on your team.

Your character was reduced to shitty Facebook memes.

In addition, you have zero fashion sense.

Your dumb sweater vest is tacky, Noah fence.

 **Noah**

No offense? I call full offense here.

Unlike you I don't kiss Chris's rear.

You were all over him getting him to give the code up.

That was revolting, and I really wanted to throw up.

Your ego's so big it would tip a canoe.

You're much more forgettable than Tyler too.

But at least he's got a damn hot girlfriend.

Your body can only attract Owen!

 **Justin**

That's right I look hot to your "big buddy".

You're jealous that he'd abandon your friendship to fuck me.

I'm confident and proud of my good looks.

While you hide your ugly face behind books.

You may have fangirls, but half ship you with Cody.

The others ship self inserts, Nowen, and Notie.

That's your extent of internet fame.

But in real life you're extremely lame.

On Skatoony you couldn't even lift a measly hat.

On the race your face looked like it was hit by a spiked bat

When you were coldly rejected by Emma, why is that?

Are you kidding when you say you don't kiss up to Chris?

You're his goddamn personal assistant, hypocrite!

 **Noah**

You say good looks get you far on tv,

But you're an Alejandro wannabe!

Who didn't qualify for season three.

The only major difference between you and him is that you're a hell of a lot dumber.

You said so yourself it was the first time in sixteen years you used your brain that summer.

Face it, he was a replacement for your dusty ass.

While you faded into oblivion, my popularity shot up fast.

I'm witty and smart and relatable to viewers.

Whereas your weak trope was stolen by someone newer.

You'll only be known for being the worst antagonist of the first generation.

Are you sure your face hasn't had multiple, botched operations?

The fact you're in a boy band is so embarrassing.

What's worse is that you can't play an instrument or sing.

You kept getting sidelined again and again.

You're not even Canadian!

* * *

Who do you think won? Who should I write next?

Thank you for all the reviews!

EeveeSweet777: Thank you for the suggestion, but it's highly unlikely that I will write Sierra vs Dakota with Kitty. None of these characters have interacted, so there's not really any reason for them to be rap battling in the first place.

Guest: Thank you for your suggestion. Because I've just written Noah, it may be some time before I write him again. Noah vs Cody is possible in the future.


	3. Noah vs Cody

And the win goes to Noah! Although I think if I had structured it with Noah starting and Justin ending, it would be more even. And I know I said Noah vs Cody would be a later chapter, but I really liked how this one turned out.

Contains swearing and sexual themes

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Noah vs Cody (requested by Guest)

 **Noah**

In a fake ass full body cast, you were pushed off the dock.

When you were a semifinalist, we were all in shock.

Except for Sierra who physically carried you there

And would have given you an easy win on her wheelchair.

But as soon as she got eliminated,

You immediately got decimated!

You got no game, floating to the top.

Nothing but shame, out the plane you drop!

 **Cody**

Might I remind you that I made it way further than you did?

Both seasons we competed in you were earlier booted.

In Dodgebrawl I was the team's most valuable player.

When you got out you did the Gophers a big favor!

My cute gap tooth makes all the fans go crazy.

My sweet tooth helped my team past land mines, baby!

You say my sausage is tiny, but at least I have one.

Yours was fried off at the Louvre by a wall of laser guns!

 **Noah**

Wouldn't you know? Cause your thirsty asshole begs for my dick

In almost every single M-rated Noco smut fic!

Fans know I wear the pants in this crack ship

When I crack this metaphorical whip.

Sierra's got you pussy-whipped too.

That stalker was inhaling your shoe

In the same way you were smelling Gwen's hair

And how you still have her spare underwear.

But clingy Sierra's karma for ya.

And I spit fire like goat saliva.

Send you into anaphylactic shock.

Better take care of your epipen stock.

Your sad attempts to act like a man are pathetic.

Why won't you stop pining? I really don't get it.

Gwen friendzoned your cocky ass and called you an "annoying little brother."

Accept that overrated goth bitch will never love you like you love her!

 **Cody**

It's called persistence you lazy, self-absorbed genius.

You might have heard of it if you didn't give up at the smallest inconvenience.

You whine and complain saying life's out to get you,

But your pessimism causes this I bet you.

Your nasal voice is extremely grating, irritating, bad for ratings.

Your unproportional big head could stop anybody's masturbating!

However, my voice is like the voice of a sweet angel.

Your head is the shape of a literal rectangle.

But let's not forget that you scream like a twelve year old fangirl,

And how you were pantsed by Duncan in front of the whole damn world.

Whereas I knocked him out with just one hit

And pounded him with a kangaroo kid.

Call yourself a Reality TV Pro.

But you've won on exactly zero shows, bro!

* * *

Who do you think won? Who should I write next?

Thank you again for the reviews, follows, and favorites! I'll now be responding to suggestions with a rate out of 10 showing the probability that I will write yours! 10 means I'm certain to write it and 0 means I will never write it.

Tristan494: Lightning vs Jo 7/10, Gwen vs Heather 8/10

Piecesxoxo: Jo vs Scott 6/10

Pastatoxic2: Gwen vs Heather 8/10

Checkmate King: Sierra vs Topher 4/10

Johnathen (Guest): Katie vs Sadie 8/10, Chef vs Momma 3/10, Eva vs Jo 5/10, Scott vs Dawn or B 5/10,

SpaceZodiac: Leshawna vs Heather 8/10


	4. Duncan vs Harold

Noah vs Cody is a draw!

A/N: I seem to have an easier time writing for guys as opposed to girls, so Gwen vs Heather (and anything else for that matter) will have to wait for some inspiration and motivation. I wrote like 10 lines of Heather in one sitting, and I haven't touched it since. That's why I don't like making promises and why I said that they were "probably" next :/ But I edited that chapter so as not to disappoint new readers :))

Anyways, I'm also trying out some more intense rhyming schemes. Let me know in the reviews what you think of that! Seriously, I would love some constructive criticism. Wordplay is probably the most fun part about writing these! However, with that I sacrifice some grammar and coherence. As I get better at this, I hope to be able to compensate for that and also add in more metaphors, similes, cultural references, etc. The only one of those I have so far is in Justin vs Noah (Tippecanoe and Tyler Too, the American presidential campaign slogan for William Henry Harrison) But for now, please enjoy Duncan vs Harold!

Contains swearing and sexual themes

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Duncan vs Harold (requested by Checkmate King, ThorBringsTheThunder, Candy Cooper)

 **Duncan**

Involuntary celibate, I berate your losing fate

Cause I win this game, you get a ribbon to participate.

You can't get a date, but if a miracle came

You would call her your mating partner or your dame!

How lame! I go insane from all your fun facts.

Every damn time you speak I itch to punch that

Nerdy face of yours right in the nose!

Fuck it up like I fuck all the hoes!

 **Harold**

You buy big time into standards of toxic masculinity:

Not respecting women, equating self worth with fertility.

Cause you've got raging daddy issues!

Your father said he didn't love you

On tv, selling his hair piece,

Disappointing the family.

So irresponsibly reckless, and stealing coffee mugs at breakfast.

Criminally relentless, rip out your eyebrow ring on my checklist!

 **Duncan**

Shut it, quit hounding me! You're starting to sound awfully like my bitchy Courtney!

She can send fear up your rear with that pole up her ass to wrap you entirely!

Stabbed with a fake laser, toy lightsaber, savor the flavor of pain.

Doris, your dweeb name, and your messed up, Asian obsessed weeaboo brain.

I'm a better competitor; at least I don't cheat—in the game, that is.

But hey, it's hard to restrain when you have a big dick and a pick of chicks.

But you can't pick up chicks cause the chicks pick on you!

And the guys pick up your skid slick knickers, P-U!

And to think I was to you a cohort! Contort your face,

Gold shovel raised, I can think of a few hundred more ways

To humiliate you in addition to the shit you already do.

Pick your nose like an ice pick lobotomy, gotta be kidding me dude!

Cream your tiny briefs with hot sauce, burrito, lotion, and shit.

Your beatboxing stinks like you just ate an underwear sandwich!

That taught you a lesson, lesser than what you learned at Steve's nerd camp.

Tampering with those elimination votes was low for you, man!

 **Harold**

Say what you want, but you had revenge coming.

You spew empty threats, but I wasn't bluffing.

My beatbox, karate chops, lock picks, sick card tricks that kill.

Got a low gravitational center for my mad skills.

But your center of gravity is six feet under the grave!

Stubby legs plus a torso taking up more than half your frame.

Now who's lame! Framed for murder on the Chris McLean train,

Destroying property to maintain the bad boy name,

Just to be contained in jail for your big, painful fail,

Jailed murderers hammering in the final nail.

Your love life can't stay out of the way of the spotlight.

Despite still thinking of Courtney during season five,

You kept Gwen by your side, blindsided by how she wasn't excited by you anymore.

So right now you're left with no one—not even your parents—to love and care for you, man-whore!

Der Schnitzelkicked off the plane in Africa, after you quit, jumped ship in Egypt, on the first day.

I made an honorable sacrifice without the advice of someone dropped twice from the same plane!

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Who do you think won? Who should I write next? What's your favorite rap battle so far? Do you have any favorite lines? What are your thoughts on my rhyming?

ThorBringsTheThunder: Harold vs Duncan 10/10 :)

GirlPower54: Chris vs Blaineley 7/10, Mike vs Scott 5/10

Candy Cooper: No need to be sorry, and thank you! To answer your questions about it being a tourney with brackets or elimination—no, it is neither! I merely write whatever is suggested in the reviews and what I find easiest and most interesting of pairings! However, your idea is pretty cool too! Harold vs Duncan 10/10 :), Courtney vs Gwen 8/10, Dawn vs Scott 5/10, Beardo vs B 3/10

Piecesxoxo: Josee vs MacArthur 7/10, I keep telling myself to rewatch RR, but I haven't gotten around to it haha! I probably won't write it until I do rewatch it though.

Checkmate King: Justin vs Alejandro 5/10, Duncan and Harold 10/10 :)

AaronwillWin: Justin vs Alejandro 5/10

WarriorAuthor1127: Chris vs Chef 8/10

SpaceZodiac: Sorry for responding to only part of your review! 1st gen Girls vs Guys 3/10. I really like this idea, but it would be a pain to write because it's difficult to target specific insults against like a dozen people. And it would be hard to structure a length for it.


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